Lucky

One last thing.

My mom has always insisted that I have had a lucky star.  That when all things turn to shit and I really, really, really need to have something fall my way - it does.  Every single time.

My mother calls it luck, but it was really my effort.  I really work well under pressure, well at least i used to.  Anyway I remeber in college I would find myself in some kind of pickel and I would need this miraculous test score to save my GPA or standing at the school or somethig like that.  I would get these masssive butterflies in my tummy (just like now) and fucking buckel down and study and work and get the shit done.  I had a couple of tests that I had to nail - like 90 something and I had never gotten a 90 before, but for that test....90.

I think that that adreniline is in my now - its the same exact fucking feeling.  BUT the problem is, is that I don't ahve complete control.  I have employees that I have to rely on, I can't do it all myself.

Regardless. I do believe that my lucky star will get me through this shit storm.  2009 baby.  Shit storm.

You know I actually worry about the country and environment now..I worry about fucking everything now.  I used to worry only about Flyers hockey - now i worry about everything. I ama actually concerned about the fucking budget.  Who gives a FUCK.  I just need to worry about my books, my business, and my hockey team....and my girlfriend.

I like this blog thing.

Continued

Allright Teresa is not here yet.  She should be here any second and I want to put this computer down when she gets here. 

I am watching Man vs. Food, which is easily the greatest show on television.

I read my first post and two observations: 1) I liked it.  2) I really don't give a shit about misspellings.  Only the big ones.  So if you see a typo of somekind, give me a break, I am typing fast and watching a grown man eat a hamburger that has cheese injected into the meat - a juicy lucy.  

I have to do the dishes soon.

So - here is the deal.  I am reducing costs and praying just praying that the KM contract comes in - that will make life a lot easier.

Cutting Costs - not rehing part timer, getting new insurance company, cutting accountant, cutting travel.

Increasing revenue - GI and KM are on the hook.

I hate my accountant.

I think that this blog would be better served if I actually strung some thoughts together.  However - as much as I could blame my accountant it is actually on me that the books are bad.

I think we need to reverse 100K in overspending.  100K in 9 months.  about 11 grand a month in savings and revenue gains.

This is why I am stressed.

1) Health Care

2) Personell Costs

3) Accountant

4) Hire a controller (maybe rosemary)

5) Cap Executive Pay, but not mine

6) Cut the 3 fucknuts.

I really like this blog thing.  I might make this a habit.

I feel better and I should do the dishes.

I'm Stressed

“ Success is a lot like a bright, white tuxedo. You feel terrific when you get it, but then you’re desperately afraid of getting it dirty, of spoiling it in any way." - Conan Obrian

Conan said that during his commencement address for Harvard.  His whole speech is very funny and he uses his lifetime of failures and eventual success to encourage the new graduates that its OK to get dirty.  To screw up, to fall, to break something, but to always remember that the store never really ends.  HOW DO I GET THE FONT BACK TO VERANDA?

This is nuts.  I can't get the font to change.  If you can't tell, this is a stream of conciousness kind of blog.  Very little structure.  I write all day in my line of work and the thought of actually putting any thought into editing or grammar or punctuation or form or anything will make me barf.

And who cares?  This blog is for me and me alone, perhaps one day I will share this with my Teresa.  I love her.  She may be here in any second from work and then I will leave.

This blog is my little secret.  I am stressed.  I have feelings of dimay, despair, that the world is closing in on me and I am LETTING this happen.  I have developed a dram queen mentality and I am sort of creating this stress in my life.....its as if my mind belives that if I am not worried about something, deathly worried, crippled worried than I am really not taking this seriously.

I own a company.  It has 16 employees, actually 15, one quit last Monday and yes I stressed a little about that. Actually no, the quitting applied some much need attrition at the company - we have overspent.

The problem is - well there are a number of problems.  ONE:  I'd much rather bury my head in the sand regarding the company financials than actually face reality.  Perhaps the reality that I am trying to avoid is not that I have been greedy but that I don't want to dissapoint people.  I don't want to let that raise go by or not have it be HUGE!  I dont' want to dissapoint my business partner, I want to make everyone happy and the books be damned.

However - I am giving myself the short end of the stick.  i took a $40,000 pay cut last year whle my partner stayed flat and another employee made $150K.  I am not being greedy.

TWO:  I feel as if i am the worst person on earth, that others work harder or are smarter or do more and they deserve more than me. 

Really the problem is number one.

OK.  Going back to Conan.  When i started the company I didn't give a shit.  where will the business come?  don't give a shit it will come.  Actually my motto was: focus on the work and the money will come.  That has changed.  I feel so responsible for everyone.  I am not flying solo anymore - I like the analogy that I heard from Jimmy Johnon.  He threw a board on the ground and he said, if you walked this board you will do it no problem because its laying on the ground.  But if I put this board 10 feet in the air, you would have a heck of a hard time walking the board because you are much higher now.  Its the same board, same steps, same routine - nothing should be different.

To me - the board is 100 feet tall.  I get butterflies from stress.

I read...where did read this.  Something that Teresa got me at a grocery store.  I think she is here.

To help stress. Breathe. And write a journal.

This is my journal.  And I think it has actually helped.